December 14, 2001

The Dream:

Would I be willing to let my dreams die in order to live them? 12/14/01

Finally, I have arrived! I have a seat on Bill Maher's show. I believe the panel consists of people I know but Andy is the only one I recognize. The discussion is about women and survival and how would they survive without men. I am claiming that women can survive and Bill is saying they can not. To illustrate, we have a live demonstration. Bill has 4 women build a bomb shelter - I think I might either be one of the four or an extra person to help. These are all women I know. I am there for 3 of the walls and they are erected properly and look stable so I go to get Bill and his crew while the girls finish the wall. Apparently, the girls get to talking and as they do, the pace on the wall slows down and it suddenly becomes thicker and less close to code. By the time Bill and I get back to the bomb shelter, the wall is finished but it is obviously mess up. The crew is trying to determine if the last wall is up to standard code and whether it will survive the impact of a real bomb. Bill is disgusted! He looks at me and is like what the hell happened here, the other walls look fine. I think he was secretly hoping that we would come through and make something we could survive in - thereby taking him and all of man off the hook. Instead, we showed that when women get to talking they pay less attention to the task at hand.

Tanya is driving me to work and it is really early in the morning before sunrise. We are driving on old 31 before they made all the construction changes. On the side of the road, I see a turtle that has been hit and is laying on its back. I think it is dead until I see its little legs move and then its tail. It is pretty big for a turtle. I tell Tanya to make a big u-turn in the highway - sorry but I have to go back and save this turtle. So we get back there and the turtle is metamorphosing right in front of us. It elongates and I realize it is an armadillo, not a turtle and I watch as it flips itself over. It has been hit by a car which is why it is on the side of the road, but it doesn't appear to be hurt. As it scurries off, I see it is rather larger and more like an alligator but in my mind it is still an armadillo. In the middle of this, it transformed to a third animal but for the life of me I can't remember what kind, during the metamorphosis.

Tina and Lisa are sharing an apartment. I am over to visit. Lisa has been spending alot of time "away" and only comes home to change and shower and is off again. Neither of the girls have been cleaning and it is disgusting. I am sitting in the kitchen and there is a bag of trash open on the floor, trash all over the kitchen and open containers and empty snack bags, cans of unopened product on the table and floor. Their pantry is not full and the cans could easily be stored properly. I am talking to Tina and I say finally, I don't mean to be rude but this place is disgusting - do you mind if I help you clean it up? She is like, oh no I got it and she starts to pick up pieces of trash. Course, I just had that Bill Maher experience and I know if she keeps talking to me the job is not going to be done properly. Still, I stay seated and let her clean. She goes to get a glass of water and the glass is clean and the water is clean but when she drops the ice cube in, it fizzes and turns the water yellow. I am like, what is up with that? Apparently, the water has rust in it (probably something else, but the dream says "rust") and when the water freezes, it causes the "Rust" to congeal and form tiny particles. When it is then dropped back into water - it ionizes and oxidizes creating a fizz and a yellow tint to the water. I looks disgusting too.

About this time, June comes in with a male friend. She introduces him and says he has come to join in our spiritual / metaphysical discussion - or whatever topic we are having today. I say, Gee that's weird - I was just on the telephone this morning having a philosophical discussion and I tell them about the Bill Maher show - that I had a dream about. The guy hands me a twenty dollar bill and I am like, what is this for and he says he wants to contribute and would like to be a part of future discussion groups. I am like cool, and I put the money away. I am thinking, Gee I usually do this stuff for free but that is cool if people want to pay me to participate. Makes me feel like maybe I am worth listening to if people will back it with cash.

Now this piece is kind of choppy because several strands are running together. There is a movie being made. We are on the beach. There is a roller coaster. The cars of the coaster are on two tracks and the tracks are entwined in a tangled mass. The rest of the track for the coaster is out in the middle of the water. Like all the curves and steep inclines - the entire roller coaster base tracks are in the water but the tangled mass is not connected. I don't understand how the cars - on the tangled tracks, on the beach are going to get to the tracks in the water. So I get on the ride - I am in the third or forth car from the front. the cars are loaded - the tracks begin to move. The tangled mass starts to uncoil like an octopus arms slinging out, up, around like tentacles. So now I know how the arms connect to the track and that is how we get to the coaster. Suddenly, the arm I am on dips and slaps the water, dipping the first two cars (submerging them) into the water - the people are excited - exuberant - they have obviously ridden this beast before. I, on the other hand, have not. I start praying out loud "dear God, please don't soak me completely." "dear God, please don't soak me completely." I am in a dress, looking at my high heels dangling from the ride - hoping I don't loose my shoes. I hear my sister in the car behind me shouting "Dear God, please don't soak me completely." I end up with my car half submerged in the water, the first two cars are totally under, I see bubbles rising from under the water and reach forward to pull their cars up (the people in the two cars ahead of me). It is easy so I realize they were submerged because they wanted to be submerged. I am ever so grateful that I didn't sit in the front or the back of the darn thing as they usually get the roughest ride. I really just want to get off this ride now.

So it segues to the movie section again - I don't know how these fit together, but they do. The lead girl is someone famous but I don't remember her name now - the semi-male lead is not famous - but real. His name is like, vinnie de milo or something. We are filming in Broad Ripple. Between shoots, Andy says he doesn't understand the connection between the lead female and this Vinnie guy and I am like what do you mean? he says, he realized that Vinnie is just a "Character" in the movie but in real life the dude exists and he is kind of a drug dealing, underworld character one would use to "get things done" around town. So Andy is wondering why this lead girl would play opposite to this Vinnie and figures they must know each other outside the realm of the movie world.

Shift. I am driving past the old IVM building. I need to pee. I know their offices have moved but I figure I can run in real quick, ask for directions to their new facilities and use the bathroom while I am at it. The front windows are clear and I see rows and rows of books, like a library. I think I may be at the wrong doors but then they slide open automatically so I walk in. One of the receptionists greets me and asks how she can help. I tell her I am lost and have 2 questions. 1. Can she tell me how to get to IVM and 2. May I use their restroom. She says certainly, but first...what kind of insurance do I have. I say, well, I don't have any - her eyes light up - Great! What kind of work do I do - I say I am a subcontractor, I am self employed - I do real estate. Her eyes go flat, Oh well, then I don't think we have anything here for you - except maybe life insurance. I say, but I already have life insurance. She has a small card that she is filling out with my vital statistics. I am asking what they do here. They are a research lab for insurance, quasi government run to help people with out insurance get insurance - I am thinking - (yeah)How much is this going to cost me. She says in special circumstances, sometimes they can get people approved who do not normally fit their criteria and she thinks that could be me and would I go to the research facility - I am like, well ok. About this time, Andy shows up behind me which makes me think maybe this is a program linked to Medicare. The receptionist gets on the phone and is speaking to her superior to get approval for me to join the research group. It is hilarious because she lies so elaborately to get approval. She tells him I have had a "Concern" for several months and this is the last resort for me. I never even heard of them before. Then she says, I had been to 4 specialists about it - I told her in my lifetime, I believed I had been to 4 family physicians over the years due to moves, etc. She says - that I believe I might have a huge tumor. I look at Andy and say, is she talking about me? Then she says something accurate and Andy says, yeah he thinks she is talking about me. She was weaving partial truths into the conversation, dotted with huge elaborate lies in order to get me approved - it was pretty funny.

The research group loads on the bus. Teenagers are in the back of the bus. Randy and Mike are on it with me and Andy. The bus driver is a black woman and she is smoking a cigarette. Overtime she puffs, she waves the smoke out of her face with her left hand = cigarette in right hand (not on the steering wheel), wave of smoke with left hand (not on the steering wheel). every time she does this the bus weaves crazily. I am like Geez, where did she learn to drive and if she is a smoker, why hasn't she learned how to drive and smoke at the same time. I ask my friends if she has ever driven a bus before. She must overhear my conversation and think I am complaining about the smoke because... the bus has t-tops, and she begins to open them. First the one over the teenagers, then over us. Then the front seats in front of us. She is doing about 60 miles per hour and I am like, Geez, she is going to rip those right off because they go up in the air like a convertible might before they close down and leave the window space open. Mike is telling me that I should tell them a funny story...I am like - weird cause Andy is the funny man, not me. I tell them about the dream with Bill Maher's panel but I am embarrassed to tell them that the women got distracted by talking and messed up with last wall. Each time I tell it, it gets funnier because it is SOOO ridiculous. Then Mike says, tell that one story. I am like - which story. He says, the one about the grocery store and the guy in the Trans am. I am clueless. I look to Andy, like help me out here. I am expecting him to step up and take over the story but I don't think he remembers it either. The weird part is that in each section, I am being referred to as the "funny" one and the "Story teller" but I am not either of those in real life.

Insights and Interpretations:
Ok let me demonstrate just one piece of this so you can see how I break down and interpret it. And, why I only give a sketch overview - it would be too detailed if I gave interpretations on all the symbology - the line is : The bus driver is a black woman smoking a cigarette. Every time she puffs, she waves the smoke away with the left hand and holds the cigarette in her right hand, the bus weaves crazily.

Bus driver - person driving my vehicle or higher self
black woman - feminine aspect of the void or nothingness (to me what black represents)
smoking - spirit, essence; cigarette - tool of spirit
puff - touching or taking in of spirit; left hand - the spiritual side; right hand - physical side
bus - vehicle (could be path)
weaving crazily = out of control

Translation: The person driving my vehicle (my higher self) is the feminine aspect (of the void) and it is a tool of the spirit. every time I touch my spirit, I push it further away - my spirit is dependant upon the physical side, as a tool to interpret both aspects of the self. When I take in too much spirit and not enough physical, I become unbalanced and my life becomes out of control.

The overall gist of the dream:

Breaking down five pages of a dream takes work. This is what I get from my dream. 1. I talk too much which prevents me from finishing projects completely (duh). 2. Bill Maher represents the male aspect of my self letting me know in no uncertain terms that I need to use my male energy in balance to complete my projects. 3. My foundations may not be stable. 4. Turtle symbology, is a teacher in the art of grounding, asking me to honor the creative source within, pacing myself to completion - warns of "pushing" the river. 5. Armadillo - boundaries - setting boundaries of protection for the self and opening myself up to creativity, while being dependant upon my armor for protection. 6. My life is in disarray and I find it disgusting - they spend a lot of time showing me the dirty water - possibly warning of a pollution to (or of) my emotions, a lot of trash. 7. Another Bill Maher reference acknowledging it was a dream, and connecting to my feminine side. 8. Maybe indicating that I will soon be paid for things I do anyway. My ideas, my dreams - I am given $20 just to talk about my thoughts. 9. Movie reference - could be a reminder that life is an illusion. 10. And, that the illusion may be preparing me for some scary rides - I want to get off, but I don't think I do, or can. 11. Seems I will be submerged in my subconscious and emotional aspect and praying for God to intervene. 12. It shows me that I don't have to be submerged, I can come out of it at any time. 13. Again the movie and the unclear connections, might be saying that I am moving from "here" to "there" and that the connection may not be all that clear at the moment. 14. The path may seem convoluted, and busy, the doors slide open by themselves. 15. Receptionist has me signed up for a research group - I become a part of another type of group. 16. The lies are elaborate - which might be pertaining more to the perception of real life and that all is not as it seems. 17. The whole bus driver piece I have already done - telling me I need to balance my spiritual pursuits with my physical worldly pursuits. 18. It is convertible - easy to change between the two worlds. 19. Tells me to be the "Funny man" and the "Story teller" both of which I don't feel I really am. 20. The dream even tells me that the grocery store and the guy in the Trans am leaves me clueless - so I think this is a piece they are telling me I am not supposed to understand - and, they put it here why?" Just as a precursor to be aware maybe? To let me know that an opportunity may arise with a man in a Trans am at a grocer store - or something equally benign.

Now - see why I give brief overviews? The complete details make for a very long interpretation.